...........Castaways and Cutouts..........

4:09PM

Do you still remember
December's foggy freeze
when the ice that
clings on to your beard is
screaming agony.
And you snatch your rattling last breaths
with deep-sea diver sounds,
and the flowers bloom like
madness in the spring.

...I don't know...no one seems to give a fuck, so I guess I don't either. And in the long run, it doesn't really matter, does it? So this journal is offically closed down. Goodbye.

1:19AM

I'm beginning to grow bored with lj. For a while it was an obsessive thing, but now I feel like there are other things to do, rather then sitting down here and constantly writing. I doubt very many people read this anyways, and now that I'm only using this journal to keep people updated in my life, I think I'll just stop using it. Its seems like a written journal is much better then this...I've grown very fond of it this semester and I think I'll stick to that. Besides, there's no limit as to what can go into it...this I do, indeed, censor. Some parts of my life are just not meant to be read here. So we'll see...if this feeling remains for a few more days, I'll probably stop using it.

4:52AM

For like...the first time in a long, long while...I can remember my childhood. Its like memories that have been left in a bucket have finally began to over flow, because I'm remembering things that I never thought would come back into my mind again. Elementary school was crazy! And I remember...loving art now. I remember watching the slides of cave paintings and finding them fascinating...and doing a figure drawing up a boy sitting on a chair ontop of the table...and then the Art Teather sent us outside to draw from life, and I tried to be really clever. I remember these things! And the four floors...yes...

1:56AM

I just realized something about myself...and partially why I am the way I am. And its painful, and crushing...and at the same time, liberating...because know I understand and can put pieces together. Maybe now I can move on, or work with the damage and turn it into something better.

It feels good to cry about it, I never did before...and thats years of surpression. I don't think its so much as what happened that hurts, but how its still affecting me now that really makes a deep blow. But, there's hope that it can be worked through.

12:17AM - Oh boy!

I <3 Huckabees....


Hahahhahahahahhahah.

What truth though.

11:35PM

I hate this anxiety disorder...so very much. I hate being nervous and flighty in company of someone that I would love to just sit and talk to for hours and hours...though walking in the snow, rain and wind is quite lovely as well. I love late night walking...in whatever elements, as long as good company is with me. I love his company. Today was an alright day, for some reason I'm just feeling crappy and down, and can't pin point why...

Dexter's Cafe is lovely, even if the Professors like to eat there.

10:21PM - Stressful Monday.

Well...today was a stressful day...it began kind of slow, getting only one print done within 3 hours which sucked. But also alerted me to the fact that I need to re-print almost half of my other photohraphs for the critique. Blah. The one I did finish is of Andy...which I will scan in at some point for him and Jess because its a pretty cool image. And then...I gave all my Goth clothes to Laurie because they suited her more then they did me, she seemed happy...I hope she can work with them and enjoy them. =) That would be a happy thing. And it also leaves room open for more stuff in my wardrobe. And then I almost spazed out on poor Dave, who just happened to be in the room...then Jacinta got pissed, which made me pissed...but everything turned out alright in the end. Except...well, my art project of Pilate holding Jesus after he flogged him is...erm...well, it looks like they're about to kiss. >.< Oops! But I'm going to stay with it anyways...that could be quite a statement.

( One of those long survey things. )

Current mood: tired

Current music: Jewel

10:03PM - Cute song...love it. n.n

Jewel
I'm Sensitive


I was thinking that I might fly today
Just to disprove all the things you say
It doesn't take a talent to be mean
Your words can crush things that are unseen
So please be careful with me, I'm sensitive
And I'd like to stay that way.
You always tell me that is impossible
To be respected and be a girl
Why's it gotta be so complicated?
Why you gotta tell me if I'm hated?
So please be careful with me, I'm sensitive
And I'd like to stay that way.
I was thinking that it might do some good
If we robbed the cynics and took all their food
That way what they believe will have taken place
And we can give it to people who have some faith
So please be careful with me, I'm sensitive
And I'd like to stay that way.
I have this theory that if we're told we're bad
Then that's the only idea we'll ever have
But maybe if we are surrounded in beauty
Someday we will become what we see
'Cause anyone can start a conflict
it's harder yet to disregard it
I'd rather see the world from another angle
We are everyday angels
Be careful with me 'cause I'd like to stay that way

1:54AM - Moonshadow, moonshadow.

I had a lovely day...well, afternoon and evening...to early morning. Today I kind of felt like crap but that didn't make much of a difference...it was enjoyable. Tracy returned with bad news...that guy isn't for her. On the other hand, Dave and Jacinta seemed quite happy...or coexisting nicely, which made me smile. And then James who brightened my day with conversation, gummis, and hot tea. I kind of wish the weekend was a little longer, as all motivation to do work is quickly decaying...which is very bad. I don't want to fail, but I can't seem to get inspired either...maybe I've met the end of my artistic line...who knows? Whatever happens I know, that in the end, it will be alright.

Thursday is looking awesome...going to Watertown with Jacinta and James...to pick out costume clothes. We'll see if I can get some cash and work on my wardrobe. n.n

Current mood: content

Current music: Cat Stevens

5:18AM - And not another moment to waste.

I'm not sleepy...delightfully so. Its such a lovely, wonderful night thats quickly heading towards morning...and I'm happy just to lay there, tossing and turning in the darkness beneith layers of quilts and blankets...But thats only comfortable for so long...which means its time to grab Sense and Sensibility and go back to reading it. Yay for Jane Austen. Maybe I'll regret staying up so late when this evening comes...but the chances of that are slim. I want to redo my wardrobe and buy some news clothes...my mind is telling me its time for a change, a nice change...that I'm no longer gothic/punk/emo...but a young adult thats find her true sense of style and loving every minute of it. I'll keep some of the goth stuff, they're good for costumes...but I'm going to retire from the punk look, its not me...and never has been. And I've never really been emo in the true sense, and don't really want to be. At all. Oh! And the emotional mayhem is dwindling down...which makes me extra happy. Perhaps there will be some peace for a while.





So Sunday arrives...

Current mood: happy

12:29AM

...I'm going to design a dress...a very, er...interesting dress. It shall be fabulous if everything works out accordingly. And now, I'm not sharing any detials...it shall be a surprise. ;)

7:01PM - I'm happy. Now. Hahha.

Today suddenly...blossomed unexpectedly into a wonderful day...and it all began when a gentleman arrived to pick up his things. You never know how wonderful outside company is until you're craving for it, and it arrives. We had some lovely, amusing discussions...and then the power went out. Shadowy darkness, with bits of light falling through the blinds...we left, I meant to just walk him out the door but somehow he deviously lured me into conversation which brought me half away across campus, cold. He allowed me to borrow the most wonderful green, tweed coat that I almost kept in the end, but its not nice to steal. Bleh. Then we went and got bagels, cream cheese and my favorite couple...aka Suzanne and Chris, and had a lovely picinic that also involved "bunny futter." It was delicious. And then we departed company...and now I'm sitting here, hungry...and happy, because something good just happened

2:49PM - Why do you want to know about tomorrow?

Live in the here and now.

Except...there's nothing in the here and now thats terribly interesting. There's no one around to do anything with and I don't feel motivated enough to do any school work. I finished reading Angels and Demons, it was...shocking, at the end. And very very sad. But not I have no books to read that move so quickly, but perhaps I'll pick up The Alienist and continue reading it...but its disappeared somewhere in my room. Drat. I want to go somewhere and do something...so badly, but I feel like having company. Its so lonely in my room, so very...lonely. This week has been strange, I've been thrown through an emotional up-heavel and I'm not sure why...Well, I have some suspicions but I don't think that would cause a rocket of varying emotions to fly as they have. Anger, sadness, grief, loneliness, sadness, calm, content, sad, annoyed, sad...Hm. Damn, it sounds kind of like depression...but why would I be depressed? I was enjoying life so much...And then I feel like I'm not expressing emotions as I should...when I'm with people I just play the cool, smooth, and absent minded...inside there's a whirlwind, but outside there's...a lack of emotions. Yes, off balance. But I have to control my emotions...I must keep them in check, its extremely important right now.

Am I coniving? Am I really? I think I am...but not in a bad way...or is it bad? I don't know.

Current mood: complacent

Current music: Jesus Christ, Superstar Soundtrack

1:30PM

I am a Strumpet.







*cracks up and walks away*

5:54AM - Grr.

I can't sleep again...every time I think its so close, suddenly its gone...chased away by thoughts and feelings. What I should do is write in my journal before going to bed, get out all my thoughts so that my mind can be at peace. All right, thats going to be tomorrow night's method, I hope. Well, I'm excited about today...about going down town with Jam, James, and Tracy to pick up costume stuff.

Is that a frost I see out there? It must be...and so it grows cold, and cold...and colder each day and week. Winter will soon be apon us, and I'm sad...I wish autumn had been more sunny. The leaves will be gone very soon...

3:00AM - Love Song to A Stranger - Joan Baez

How long since I've spent a whole night in a twin bed with a stranger
His warm arms all around me?
How long since I've gazed into dark eyes that melted my soul down
To a place where it longs to be?
All of your history has little to do with your face
You're mainly a mystery with violins filling in space

You stood in the nude by the mirror and picked out a rose
From the bouquet in our hotel
And lay down beside me again and I watched the rose
On the pillow where it fell
I sank and I slept in a twilight with only one care
To know that when day broke and I woke that you'd still be there

The hours for once they passed slowly, unendingly by
Like a sweet breeze on a field
Your gentleness came down upon me and I guess I thanked you
When you caused me to yield
We spoke not a sentence and took not a footstep beyond
Our two days together which seemingly soon would be gone

Don't tell me of love everlasting and other sad dreams
I don't want to hear
Just tell me of passionate strangers who rescue each other
From a lifetime of cares
Because if love means forever, expecting nothing returned
Then I hope I'll be given another whole lifetime to learn

Because you gave to me oh so many things it makes me wonder
How they could belong to me
And I gave you only my dark eyes that melted your soul down
To a place where it longs to be

Current mood: excited

2:24AM - Change if plan!

I'm changed my plans for Halloween! I'm going to do the hippe/Folk rock musician theme with friends. I'm going to be Joan Baez, Tracy will be Janis Joplin, and James will be Bob Dylan. It'll be pretty sweet!

4:52PM

You fit in with: Spiritualism Your ideals are mostly spiritual, but in an individualistic way. While spirituality is very important in your life, organized religion itself may not be for you. It is best for you to seek these things on your own terms. 100% spiritual. 60% reason-oriented.

Take this quiz at QuizGalaxy.com

11:11AM - Singing in my soul.

I am inexplainably happy this morning! Perhaps because the sun is out for what I think is the first time in nearly two weeks, except for that one day where there was some sunshine. Its absolutely glorious. Psych and Sci-fi was very good, I breeched an understanding about something that have actually been a hot topic all week...or at least between James and I. Now I think I'm beginning to understand a little better and its a very good feeling. Gender or no gender, we're still human. You don't need sex to be in love with someone, true love goes way beyond that...and the fact that other people are aware makes me so happy...there is hope out there after all. Professor Herman is going heading to the Ukraine, and I pray that his trip is safe and successful...he's changed my life in many ways, well...him and his class as well as my class mates. I truly admire him.

I'm going to drop the Art Major and become a Psychology major...and possibly minor in Cultural Anthropology. My hope is that someday I'll be a professor of Psychology, a Councilor, and travel abroad. Also, I hope to get back in touch with my art and why I do it, and what I want from it...or from myself rather. Its not that I'll no longer be an artist, I just don't really need a degree in Art, for I am already an artist. Besides, I don't want to do anything professionally with it, its just a hobby. The idea of selling art or having to go by someone else' deadlines, or having to do what they want me to do has never been apealing. My art is for me.

I'm hippy-tastic today.

Current mood: chipper

8:28AM - Ugh.

Going to bed around 1:00am only meant that I was still up to 3:00am trying to sleep...just...laying there and not doing anything. It sucked. A lot. I wonder whats wrong...maybe I should just invest in sleeping pills, maybe I need them. I want to have normal, healthy sleeping patterns but I just can't seem to fall asleep at night. My skin really itches this morning, I feel like crap.